its not always me.....

its 2 o clock in night,
 and i am feeling cold..cold not like only temperature, cold in feelings also..options, choices, prophecies, all they really exits? does my future tomorrow really depend on my choices taken today? may be, maybe not..if its prophecy, its not miracle, not a co-incidence…nothing in my own hand to control, if its not, am controlling my future,.. i will  go with the second option, sarcastically i am having choices now, i am choosing not to choose anymore…i am feeling not to feel anymore…i am dying of getting dead everyday..i am living but not a life anymore…my existence is not existing in this world..it has one more world..full of dreams, imaginations, power to control myself, and themselves, whom i want to control, again whom i don't want to control, i am controlling them by giving them their own control…seems all are different frames of views, its what i want to interpret things..i can put my own reasons behind every miracle, incident and consequence, i can put my own name after myself, but most of the time, i have to put my name after him which is not true myself…i put my name after one person, who sometimes behave like myself, sometime not…who sometime talk like myself sometimes not..who sometimes, dream like myself sometimes not…still i put my name after him…as its myself, and at-least i have my power of controlling myself, my thought my dream, not always, but sometime, not sometime but the time i let myself to control..i know now you think, its something confusing, but if its confusing, you are already confused, and if you are already confused, you are not here, you are somewhere else, if you are somewhere else, and not here and confused, then you are not reading this, if you are not reading this you are not confused, then why you are blaming me to make you confuse? confused huh? 

its not me, its you who are out of control, i can still type my name here, as i said after myself, my dream my creation…i can even take my name out, like i haven't create this things, like i am somebody else, and that other-one is creating this. logics are the base of our intelligence and our base of logic is our intelligence, i am not playing that game, like who comes first chicken or egg? but somebody came first, its doesn't matter anymore who comes first, as both of them taking same importance , and without one other is incomplete, its not worth of fight, who loves whom most, fight is who will end this first,…this sweetness, this imagination, this dream i am now totally involved, this pathetic things should get end…it should be vanished from my life, from my dream…its not nightmare, it doesn't come only at night…because, at night i cant sleep..its my time to regenerate the memories, making them sweet sometime, sometime bitter, sometime happy, sometime sad, sometime is not always effective, still i try i try to convince myself with better prediction of myself…still at the end, its not me its you…who make me like this..if i am insane, its you who are to be blamed..if i am pathetic its you who found that first..if i am romantic, its you who gonna have me that way..if i am dead its for you, i am dyeing…if am living its for you, still breathing,,,if i am in love..its because of you…who exists!

begining of the end.......

when 
something has a beginning must has an end...so that was happening for long time, and it happened once again, something began, and just put a full stop at the end. Its the syntax every sentence should end with the full stop. you may think about question mark or exclamation also, but that doesn't the end exactly.

Well, still the funniest thing is, I cant stop believing that, its not the end. always am in hope that, someday again it will start after the full stop. But what I know, I wont give up..

Living life is now compromising with the expectations..
saying her, i just want to be your good friend, when i love her more than anything...
telling her, okay, anyway I have another plan, when i need her most....
calling her, to say nothing else, when i have the whole world to discuss.....
asking her, to go home, when i want her to be with me forever....

Is there anything in our hand rather than 10 fingers pointing others guilt..I don't know, why human have to have a power..

 

whenever i ask you, to love me, you say its not possible..

whenever i ask you, to hold me, you say its not possible..

whenever i ask you, to hug me, to kiss me, you say its impossible..

Then what is possible,in your world, in your word..

I dont know, I never knew..but..

Whenever I see you, I think its possible..

to love you, to hold you, to hug you, to kiss you..

whenever i feel you, i see everything is possible...

the word impossible is possible for only you....

whenever i be with you, not possible is impossible for me...

welcome home......

Under
the dark cloudy sky...am standing still..

my un-calm feelings still trying to find the girl..
holding her hand, i wish to run all the fields...
my lungs are now full of unhappy smile..
cover of sun-ray, and beckoning of darkness..
still i posses, and i will.. no-matter what happens..
but the thing i miss, that sorrow, anger and tremble...

I cant

think right now, my mind is kind of blocked with so many questions, and i don't want to find the correct answer, as the correct answer may be rude, i thought many times, i would stop expecting anything from anyone, still that's also an expectation.

Finding

the truth , the real is too difficult, because, you never know, the thing you are believing truth may become false, one day suddenly, and we fall from the top of our dream, that we created based on the truth we know. and the worst part, when we find that it is not truth, we stop believing...That is something I think we should not do...

No-matter
whatever happens, I don't stop believing the truth I think is true. If somebody says no that is wrong, no problem. If I also find out later no that was wrong, what I was believing so hard, doesn't matter either..I will still keep believing that is truth...that makes it so special...

Today
I am so confused, I should have some norm, that i can follow while taking decision, again in some situation , may be I would have to violate my own norm, to take a decision, then their must be something, i can follow, when i am confused, Yes, and that is my heart.

But
my heart, keep me waiting for ever and ever, if i could have patience , i could have patience to follow the norm, everything is pointing on the same condition. I should believe. and stop thinking about other bad things, and stop expecting, But is believing is some sort of expectation that my believe will come true?

My
heart left whole night searching for its home..

in an unknown city am filled in my memory foam...

birds has set their journey in another sky...

road is taking curve in fog in search of why...

is she very known to me,or she is somebody unknown...

my feelings waitin at door,and love is walking alone...

I cant
sleep, cant breathe, i cant stop thinking about you...

you are the one i believe, i can die if you want me to..

why so lazy you are, just to say me hello once...

promise i will never say bye, never leave u for a glance..

the road is now turning somewhere, i have never been before..

am afraid, please hold me tight, we will never part for sure..

i will be waiting for you,no matter how long it takes to find me...

till then am happy being sad in your sweet memory..

someday......

I am

trapped in quicksand... People say, you should do nothing, if you are in quick sand, the more you struggle, the more you will be trapped... That is true, I was struggling before, now stopped that, I can see myself not drowning any more, but am stuck till my neck, and then I realized I need to stop struggling. Now my only hope, if somebody show some pity and get me out of this situation.

I am

waiting for many days, I dont exactly remember how many days I am here, first I used to count, Now I have stopped that also, maybe counting was also some struggle I used to do against my situation. But their is always a bright way of every situation, Before I did not have time to look around, what others are doing, now I have plenty of time, Really I dont have anything else to do, rather look around what others are doing....

Am

not so important at all, I think, we should not struggle against the situation we are facing, rather enjoy it, go with it, but, never should mix with it..i mean i will be in, but anytime, i can get out also, Not like that I am involved so much that I cant wake up from my dream, and when it breaks, it breaks all, my heart, my wisdom, my wish to be alive, then i am going with the flow, but can go against with the flow also, but that needs courage and knowledge....

But

as I was telling we should not involve in the situation, fortunately or unfortunately that happen, There is somebody, whom I cannot leave from my sight for a single moment without having pain, When she was not their, her thoughts remains there. I don't know how this all have started, But I know something started and I am out of guts to leave that situation, I know, I will not be able to be in this situation forever, One day I have to go, or I will sink in this quicksand, either-way I have to miss her, But as I said earlier I have hope, I know their must be some other way out always, no matter how difficult the situation is, and in this kind of situation, we should enjoy every moment and stop thinking about "how long"..

Her

smile, is most beautiful I have ever seen, That makes me feel so happy, when she smiles, no-one can stay angry/sad, her smile will definitely make you smile. But when I see at her eyes, I see some loneliness, maybe she has something to say, but can't trust that much, that she will tell me, but am optimistic, someday she will tell me, and till then, I just want to be the hand, which she can hold, whenever she is in fear, she needs it. I just want to be someone, whom she knows, who always help her, and be their beside her, whatever the situation is. I have already lost many-thing, So just hope if I can give a little happiness to somebody I like.

But

stuck in a situation, I cant decide, should I lie sometimes to make her happy, or i should not ignore the truth, and let her feel the rudeness of life. Am not sure, But i don't care, when only her happiness is the most important thing..

A strange feeling....and the North-star...

It
was not started as usual, it was something i was dreaming for my whole life, and when it was with me, i was so afraid of it, i was running from it, i am still running, but after it.. It was some most beautiful experience one can have in his lifespan, what is it, is it just a feeling, is it like rainbow in north sky, which only appears, if rain and light stays together, having some scientific reason to persist in the virtual world, where nothing is immortal, neither my feelings, nor my envy, jealousy, or friends or enemies....



That's
why it is virtual, what is real will not change itself, with the situation, like the north-star in the north sky, whom everybody can trust, but even it is not too powerful to show us the way of happiness, in the day, maybe it don't want to do so, as we don't need him, like friendship, and true love, when we are surrounded by so many beautiful persons, we might hardly think about our true friendship, as we don't need it in that time.



But
when it is night, i am alone in the middle of the universe, with the question about my existence and all my star friends are too far from me, shining and glittering in the night sky, beckoning me to hold their hands, but how can i leave, as i told somebody i will be here, waiting for you, though it takes thousands of light-year for you to reach me, i will be still waiting for you. so i cannot move.. and look that trust i have shown to someone, in return, shown thousands of trust to me, the silly people in the planet called Earth, they look at me to find their way to home, they trust me, that i will never ever leave this place. Maybe they make fun of me, when all the stars are moving, enjoying, i am still in same spot, ignoring them. But so silly they are, in that small planet, where they can lost? I don't know, but they have the fear of getting lost, they lives only 70 years max, i have seen many people, dying in that planet, many little to born, still they fear to loose their loved one, and i am also doing the same, staying here for thousands of years in the hope, to get drenched by the ray of her light. So i can't move.




They
might have thinking how i get these feelings, how the rainbow is, the love, fear, happiness, sorrow, and feeling of getting drenched. Its only can be feel by you, humans, then you are wrong. Maybe sound cannot come to the place i belong, as you don't listen to me crying, or laughing. But i can see you in that planet, all night, as you can see me, crying , smiling, loving... as always feelings are silent, for which I used to wait whole days, like you..



But
how many of you people, who are in pride that, the feelings only belong to human beings, feel the same, or like to feel the same, or want to? I doubt.. I can see most of them are busy with their life, office, and a strange thing called money.. and some of humans, who don't have them, look at me and tell me their story, from balcony, from the roof, from the window. I cannot listen, as I am far far away, but i can feel. I can feel the girl was happy as she got a new ipod from her parents after long fight, i can feel the girl is happy after having her first kiss with her boyfriend, i can feel the tears on her eyes, at the time of break up.. May be it is known to you, But which is unknown, i saw the same feelings in that boy also...

Once in the rain....

Today is a rainy day.. no its not raining here.. but still its raining somewhere, it was raining last year, if we can follow the birthday, independence day, why not rainy day?



once in a morning, when there were no sign..
of people in the road, i saw a little flower..
nodding its head, and smiling gently to me..
suddenly the rainbow came, lightning the..
whole sky, holding the hand of that little flower..
calling me to go with them, feeling the rain..
which is coming from heaven to the earth..
i saw the clock, its near seven, my office..
will start soon, should i go to office, or join..
them, to the moon, leaving all sorrow and joy..
they were escaping soon, leaving the cloudy..
sky...towards the empty ocean, where..
nobody will force me to work, never..
i was having pain, going to work, ignoring rain..
i had to think again and again, so what...
am doing, will not regret, in search of that..
forcing me, but don't have an answer exact..
I left that day, holding her hand, and smile..
enjoyed the rain, and thanked for a while..
it was not tough to decide that,
but it is hard to face the fact..

about me.....

The

world will be always round no matter what one thinks or feels, That's how I am. always will be like myself, no matter if it is acceptable or not. That's something i want to make clear at very first.living life in my own way, desperate to protect my feelings. Nothing is immortal in this life, and maybe i have the shortest lifespan. so why to bother about other things. when no time to see at least once the whole world. The changes are obvious and same as me. changing with every moment of life. trying to feel every sand of hour glass. and doing millions mistakes. though i dont learn from them. really i don't care about learning anymore.. just want to feel...



I
love to hide. hide behind mask.hide behind eyes, unknown faces.hope i would be invisible. actually being invisible no fear exists.as you have nothing to loose. nothing to worry about. liberty. hiding is not so difficult to. if i am somewhere , their nobody knows me. means am hiding. some place no body cares about me. in some crowd where everyone is
busy with themselves.


I
like the night. i can watch whole night the stars blinking. like telling some stories of fairytale. like sunset. saying good bye. not what saying hello, like sunrise.as it has given you already. now time to leave. not like coming with some surprises. no expectation.the dark having so many thing to share. it has the sensation. in some late night. with the high beats of music.piercing through my heart. low light. everyone is busy with their movements.and glasses. its dark everywhere. inside and outside. no fake acting. its true faces everywhere. Though black has a bright side.. to lighten up. if no darkness their, means no needs of light. but more than light. somebody carrying the light through the darkness. showing the path of end. it brings happiness. what i was looking for from the beginning of journey. The finishing line.


Then
its rain. getting wet in it. the drops comes from heaven.to touch eyelashes, lips, face.and the sound of raindrops. making some rhythm. like ask me to dance with them.rain has a power to change my mood. from happy to sad. from sad to happy. Music is like drug in my life. I cant live without, It takes me miles away from Present, Makes me feel, cry, happy, cares my emotions.

My
story is incomplete without her. She showed me the reason to live. But she always wins. I have to surrender before her. She makes me play my favorite game Hide and seek forever, she left me in the darkness, holding the light far apart, invisible, hiding. i lost her always in the crowd. I have to move my feet in the rain, in fear of i will forget the steps she showed me.



I still remember all of her words, her actions, expressions, I recollect them everyday, in fear i will forget them with the flow of time, her smile, her arguments, her liking, dislike, i kept them with great care inside my heart for her, In hope one day the truth will be true for me.